6th feb 2016 sunday

well I’ve deleted the WordPress app cos I feel like it’s a slap in my bfs face.

I have transferred to my new towns mental health to be weaned from addys n benzos cos they focus in recovery. I told them piss test me now, but she wanted stimulants out of my system. hella mad she makes it worse by pointing out my under eye circles. I’m anemic and its hereditary. my teen daughter and young son have predominant black rings too. it’s always made ppl jump to conclusions of being junkie.

so back to getting them off the streets until I can transfer back to my old place. or maybe a miracle of Medicaid would happen. then a loooooong overdue primary care doc visit is in order.

I’ve been trying to lessen my thoughts of my ghost love. set him free in a sense. but daily either my head plays tricks with me and he’s talking before I sleep by my subconscious. i dunno.

tonight my bf is going out of town but returning tonight. I have my son so o can’t go…we are never apart.

he loves me. I trust him. but I also know that if a girl comes onto him, he’s stated he wouldn’t be able to tell me honestly that he would have control. at least he’s honest. I give him all the head and sex he wants. but when I’m coming on stronger he tends to find it hot but not enough. I told him he couldn’t want me to be more aggressive but back down when I do cos it takes me a lot to be in any mood.

my bf was 11 when an older neighbor slept over. she woke him up sucking on his cock and then fukn him. sounds awesome for a boy right? apparently not. he really didn’t even like my head sessions on him, but then I made him cum by head. never in all that time. since then any and all sex HAS to have head. he says I’m a victim of my own device!

i feel like going out tonight myself hang out with an old friend but I don’t trust myself. I’d end up fukn someone just to spite his out of town sans me. I do love the guy. in love with him. just a different in love than my Mateo.

ok I’m done

Haunted

I’d prefer if the hauntings were real and not in my head. As much as I tried when I left, I couldn’t get him out of my mind. He would email me (or vice versa) when he was fed up with his gf. I wouldn’t leave my bf for him, as much as I wanted to. I couldn’t allow myself to be in love with a man, whose demons of PTSD took over. The most you’ll get out of me are tears or self harm when I’m struck by my adolescence. He would take my keys so I couldn’t leave. He bruised my arms trying to get me to stay. I did. Every time but the last. Sadly it was because my son was present when he came at me choking me. The commotion woke my son and he came in to check and that moment is really blurred. I think I was gonna pass out but the minute I felt his hands let a lil loose I jumped off the bed, scooped up my 70 pd son (like he weighed nothing) put him under my arm and ran out of the house. He burned all my belongings. 

Yes this is the man I miss. Could it be my PTSD just gravitates me to bad people. I saw past it because I knew the real him. The smart, funny, cute, & a great listener. The listening part bit me in the ass cos anything I said was potentially used against me.

I once asked him, on lsd, what were the most vivid monsters in his head. His response haunts me also. It was during a transport they were attacked. The third hummer in the convoy was blown up. When they finally fought off the enemy, he had to clean up, which meant find bodies. His mind flipped when he found a brother in arms, from the explosion disemboweled. He focused all his energy making sure blown up bits got to their rightful owner. His officer stopped him when he was trying to get a mans intestines back into his body.

I would say that’s enough to make a person who grew up sheltered, askew. He graduated high school in June of 2001. Sept.11 happened and two days later he was signing his entry papers to be a marine.

I miss this man so much. It’s only been 4 months since he died. I hadn’t seen him in months but got an email that was out of the norm for him, the week before he died. Telling me he didn’t care if I was with my bf, that he wanted to see me regardless. What was out of character was he was explicitly raunchy. I didn’t know how to answer him. All these feelings flooded back. The email I was writing in response still sits as a draft waiting to go off into his inbox that he will never see.

I always knew with Mateo that if I needed him to take me in, he would. I don’t have family due to being the black sheep cos I have ugly dirt against the “normal” brother. I haven’t had a real friend since I moved over 14 years ago to this state. It’s always friends of my bfs. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I’m gonna be 40 and I have no one I can truly share my feelings with. I reached out to an old “friend” after seeing her at a New Years party. She was wanting to hang out and play catch up. I reached out saying I had stuff on my chest I needed to get out. Stuff I couldn’t share with my bf. She read my message, never responded.

That’s what makes me believe that a lot of people who commit suicide aren’t this big surprise. I can’t be the only one to reach out. Reach out for a friend and be negated. At the lake house I talked with a girl about it being mateos death anniversary and that I don’t normally talk about it in front of my bf but really needed to. She seemed genuinely interested at first. I got the anniversary part out and was gonna continue. Holding back tears I watched each word so that I wouldn’t say something like I’m still in love with him, even tho he’s dead. Just in case she wanted to report back to my bf. Something interrupted us and I kinda wanted to gear if she was listening. So I sat there for a moment waiting for her to say-go on or something. She’s like what were we talking about? I looked around kinda dumb and said I’m not too sure. She said well it must not be important if we both forgot. Then she excused herself from the table, leaving me alone.

Granted these are kids younger than me. But at 27 you really should have empathy, sympathy, anything. I don’t believe anyone takes me seriously. I know if I left my bf, all these friends would cast me aside too.

Leaving me with nothing. My kids are still away and until I’m bringing in some money, whether disability or through a job, they have to stay where they are at. I don’t see a reason to keep on going. No family no friends, just my bf and I. I just want something I can never have.

Weekend

Well said I was staying at a friends lake house. These are my bf friends who have befriended me. I am the oldest person here. Making me really depressed I could have birthed some of these kids here this weekend.

I’m over anxious so I’ve been sleeping horrid. Picking at my face, primarily nose, any moment I can. Felt like a huge bubble along side my nostril. So I pushed at it and it emptied out throughout the night. As if having man hair, due to cysts on my ovaries, isn’t bad enough. Now I make these horrible deep caverns when picking at my face.

I keep thinking how my 40th is just a few months away. Also thinking a lot about if I’m gonna make it til then. No mood stabilizers so I’ve HAD to take my bfs lithium this morning. I’ve been really depressed over my age. Won’t even allow myself to drink along with them. I mean I did. But the more I drank the more drunk they would get and I’d get on guard. As soon as a couple passed out from binging one girl was getting mean and confrontational with my bf. Another was hitting on my bf with me sitting right there. So I went to the room and told them I was going to sleep. I waited over an hour for my bf. Contemplating breaking it off with him. Only cos I’m in love with a ghost and I can never love anyone like that. 
I grow weary of being the adult. Well the rational adult. I remind my boyfriend of his meds but mine are all over the place. His meds dull his emotions. Which is awesome when sad. But it blocks happy or sympathetic or ANYTHING.

He is a great listener and tries really hard. The ride back home was a mood swing a thon. Telling him all these feelings and shit that makes me sound like q broken record. Unless I pose a question, will he speak. Even rivers of tears won’t rouse him. That’s the only flaw I find in him. He is otherwise the man I always wanted. Taller than me, same music, similar family. Mental illness. He told me once he was scared that the docs would “fix” me and I would leave. The only thing I fear is him giving up and breaking up with me. He knows I think of Mateo but won’t speak of it. He sees me covering my eyes and holding back tears to songs that are for Mateo. He tries by changing the station but I know he likes these songs for us. To fit him and me. But they don’t.

I just want to be ok for more than w day or so. Or there’s not much left, but my kids, holding on to my life on this side. 

Drugs are bad

I think that’s what most people want me to say. 

I’ve been an addict since I was 14. Made my brain screwy. I became addicted to addiction just so I wouldn’t remember the rapings I withstood as a child from my older brother.

When I came to terms and decided to tell all who would listen, I was shunned. Because in the time I was escaping with drugs I became the black sheep. It’s easier to keep the black sheep than ruin 2, so I was dismissed as a druggie who made it all up.

I regressed it all again. Staying clean on and off but when I was off then the nightmares of my childhood added to other traumatic events that have happened over the years would drive me mad.

So I realize it’s all about the brain. The chemistry. The chemistry I fucked up because my childhood was raped from me. Even after my breakdown at 32 when I retold everyone, this time I gained a big oooooh that’s why you’re fukd in the head. Tho they continued to keep loose ties and being my brother has a good stable family and job and made a great life for himself, I stay the black sheep. 

  • Sure I talk about self medicating the way I do because this is me. One of my first posts, in fact it’s in my bio, I don’t recommend this to true psychiatric/psychological care. Tho just as my family sees me as an addict so do the docs. Even skirting 20 years of continued drug abuse I thought telling my psych about the shitload of acid I ate in high school but after realizing I was hiding behind acid I didn’t abuse anything else. None the less I was told no drugs but antidepressants. I still have to read back last year on here cos I was in a Paxil fog for the last few months. Don’t do hard drugs with this boyfriend. He only bought me that Coke to tide me over. It’s sooo not in his character but he logically thought one stimulant for another. I held onto that Coke over 5 days. I have restraint now. I also told him that as kind as it was, that’ll be the last Coke. He just hates to see me suffer. 

     My addy script is Monday. Got a couple vyvanse from a neighbor and just found some adderall to get me through the weekend.

I read this article because 

#1 it pertains to mental health

#2 it’s a vice column & I dig that mental health and addiction aren’t hidden under a rock.

Via the @VICE iPhone App
http://www.vice.com/read/how-to-talk-about-mental-health-in-2016?source=vice_iphone_app

The VICE Guide to Making 2016 Better Than 2015: How We Should Talk About Mental Health in 2016

Another day of bunk coke

Well not an entire day. Just did the last of a gram that we got days upon days ago. 

That really shows me I have restraint now. With Mateo we would’ve done the bag in hours.

Changing my doctor-have an intake Thursday. Had to stay within the county’s mental health system(cos we moved) and that way I can stay on my adderall due to it already being in my record. 

Not going back to Paxil or any ssri cos after I stopped last year I realized about 6 months is very hazy. But now I’m terrified of everything and maybe that’s what the Paxil helped. So I’m opting for an snri because I HAVE to go back to work. Disability says I’m ok to work. My doc says no or start with a part time.

I haven’t cut myself in months but was sooooo contemplating it. Didn’t do it though.

Any suggestions would be helpful. Any outlets too. Thanks