6th feb 2016 sunday

well I’ve deleted the WordPress app cos I feel like it’s a slap in my bfs face.

I have transferred to my new towns mental health to be weaned from addys n benzos cos they focus in recovery. I told them piss test me now, but she wanted stimulants out of my system. hella mad she makes it worse by pointing out my under eye circles. I’m anemic and its hereditary. my teen daughter and young son have predominant black rings too. it’s always made ppl jump to conclusions of being junkie.

so back to getting them off the streets until I can transfer back to my old place. or maybe a miracle of Medicaid would happen. then a loooooong overdue primary care doc visit is in order.

I’ve been trying to lessen my thoughts of my ghost love. set him free in a sense. but daily either my head plays tricks with me and he’s talking before I sleep by my subconscious. i dunno.

tonight my bf is going out of town but returning tonight. I have my son so o can’t go…we are never apart.

he loves me. I trust him. but I also know that if a girl comes onto him, he’s stated he wouldn’t be able to tell me honestly that he would have control. at least he’s honest. I give him all the head and sex he wants. but when I’m coming on stronger he tends to find it hot but not enough. I told him he couldn’t want me to be more aggressive but back down when I do cos it takes me a lot to be in any mood.

my bf was 11 when an older neighbor slept over. she woke him up sucking on his cock and then fukn him. sounds awesome for a boy right? apparently not. he really didn’t even like my head sessions on him, but then I made him cum by head. never in all that time. since then any and all sex HAS to have head. he says I’m a victim of my own device!

i feel like going out tonight myself hang out with an old friend but I don’t trust myself. I’d end up fukn someone just to spite his out of town sans me. I do love the guy. in love with him. just a different in love than my Mateo.

ok I’m done

Haunted

I’d prefer if the hauntings were real and not in my head. As much as I tried when I left, I couldn’t get him out of my mind. He would email me (or vice versa) when he was fed up with his gf. I wouldn’t leave my bf for him, as much as I wanted to. I couldn’t allow myself to be in love with a man, whose demons of PTSD took over. The most you’ll get out of me are tears or self harm when I’m struck by my adolescence. He would take my keys so I couldn’t leave. He bruised my arms trying to get me to stay. I did. Every time but the last. Sadly it was because my son was present when he came at me choking me. The commotion woke my son and he came in to check and that moment is really blurred. I think I was gonna pass out but the minute I felt his hands let a lil loose I jumped off the bed, scooped up my 70 pd son (like he weighed nothing) put him under my arm and ran out of the house. He burned all my belongings. 

Yes this is the man I miss. Could it be my PTSD just gravitates me to bad people. I saw past it because I knew the real him. The smart, funny, cute, & a great listener. The listening part bit me in the ass cos anything I said was potentially used against me.

I once asked him, on lsd, what were the most vivid monsters in his head. His response haunts me also. It was during a transport they were attacked. The third hummer in the convoy was blown up. When they finally fought off the enemy, he had to clean up, which meant find bodies. His mind flipped when he found a brother in arms, from the explosion disemboweled. He focused all his energy making sure blown up bits got to their rightful owner. His officer stopped him when he was trying to get a mans intestines back into his body.

I would say that’s enough to make a person who grew up sheltered, askew. He graduated high school in June of 2001. Sept.11 happened and two days later he was signing his entry papers to be a marine.

I miss this man so much. It’s only been 4 months since he died. I hadn’t seen him in months but got an email that was out of the norm for him, the week before he died. Telling me he didn’t care if I was with my bf, that he wanted to see me regardless. What was out of character was he was explicitly raunchy. I didn’t know how to answer him. All these feelings flooded back. The email I was writing in response still sits as a draft waiting to go off into his inbox that he will never see.

I always knew with Mateo that if I needed him to take me in, he would. I don’t have family due to being the black sheep cos I have ugly dirt against the “normal” brother. I haven’t had a real friend since I moved over 14 years ago to this state. It’s always friends of my bfs. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I’m gonna be 40 and I have no one I can truly share my feelings with. I reached out to an old “friend” after seeing her at a New Years party. She was wanting to hang out and play catch up. I reached out saying I had stuff on my chest I needed to get out. Stuff I couldn’t share with my bf. She read my message, never responded.

That’s what makes me believe that a lot of people who commit suicide aren’t this big surprise. I can’t be the only one to reach out. Reach out for a friend and be negated. At the lake house I talked with a girl about it being mateos death anniversary and that I don’t normally talk about it in front of my bf but really needed to. She seemed genuinely interested at first. I got the anniversary part out and was gonna continue. Holding back tears I watched each word so that I wouldn’t say something like I’m still in love with him, even tho he’s dead. Just in case she wanted to report back to my bf. Something interrupted us and I kinda wanted to gear if she was listening. So I sat there for a moment waiting for her to say-go on or something. She’s like what were we talking about? I looked around kinda dumb and said I’m not too sure. She said well it must not be important if we both forgot. Then she excused herself from the table, leaving me alone.

Granted these are kids younger than me. But at 27 you really should have empathy, sympathy, anything. I don’t believe anyone takes me seriously. I know if I left my bf, all these friends would cast me aside too.

Leaving me with nothing. My kids are still away and until I’m bringing in some money, whether disability or through a job, they have to stay where they are at. I don’t see a reason to keep on going. No family no friends, just my bf and I. I just want something I can never have.

Weekend

Well said I was staying at a friends lake house. These are my bf friends who have befriended me. I am the oldest person here. Making me really depressed I could have birthed some of these kids here this weekend.

I’m over anxious so I’ve been sleeping horrid. Picking at my face, primarily nose, any moment I can. Felt like a huge bubble along side my nostril. So I pushed at it and it emptied out throughout the night. As if having man hair, due to cysts on my ovaries, isn’t bad enough. Now I make these horrible deep caverns when picking at my face.

I keep thinking how my 40th is just a few months away. Also thinking a lot about if I’m gonna make it til then. No mood stabilizers so I’ve HAD to take my bfs lithium this morning. I’ve been really depressed over my age. Won’t even allow myself to drink along with them. I mean I did. But the more I drank the more drunk they would get and I’d get on guard. As soon as a couple passed out from binging one girl was getting mean and confrontational with my bf. Another was hitting on my bf with me sitting right there. So I went to the room and told them I was going to sleep. I waited over an hour for my bf. Contemplating breaking it off with him. Only cos I’m in love with a ghost and I can never love anyone like that. 
I grow weary of being the adult. Well the rational adult. I remind my boyfriend of his meds but mine are all over the place. His meds dull his emotions. Which is awesome when sad. But it blocks happy or sympathetic or ANYTHING.

He is a great listener and tries really hard. The ride back home was a mood swing a thon. Telling him all these feelings and shit that makes me sound like q broken record. Unless I pose a question, will he speak. Even rivers of tears won’t rouse him. That’s the only flaw I find in him. He is otherwise the man I always wanted. Taller than me, same music, similar family. Mental illness. He told me once he was scared that the docs would “fix” me and I would leave. The only thing I fear is him giving up and breaking up with me. He knows I think of Mateo but won’t speak of it. He sees me covering my eyes and holding back tears to songs that are for Mateo. He tries by changing the station but I know he likes these songs for us. To fit him and me. But they don’t.

I just want to be ok for more than w day or so. Or there’s not much left, but my kids, holding on to my life on this side. 

Drugs are bad

I think that’s what most people want me to say. 

I’ve been an addict since I was 14. Made my brain screwy. I became addicted to addiction just so I wouldn’t remember the rapings I withstood as a child from my older brother.

When I came to terms and decided to tell all who would listen, I was shunned. Because in the time I was escaping with drugs I became the black sheep. It’s easier to keep the black sheep than ruin 2, so I was dismissed as a druggie who made it all up.

I regressed it all again. Staying clean on and off but when I was off then the nightmares of my childhood added to other traumatic events that have happened over the years would drive me mad.

So I realize it’s all about the brain. The chemistry. The chemistry I fucked up because my childhood was raped from me. Even after my breakdown at 32 when I retold everyone, this time I gained a big oooooh that’s why you’re fukd in the head. Tho they continued to keep loose ties and being my brother has a good stable family and job and made a great life for himself, I stay the black sheep. 

• Sure I talk about self medicating the way I do because this is me. One of my first posts, in fact it’s in my bio, I don’t recommend this to true psychiatric/psychological care. Tho just as my family sees me as an addict so do the docs. Even skirting 20 years of continued drug abuse I thought telling my psych about the shitload of acid I ate in high school but after realizing I was hiding behind acid I didn’t abuse anything else. None the less I was told no drugs but antidepressants. I still have to read back last year on here cos I was in a Paxil fog for the last few months. Don’t do hard drugs with this boyfriend. He only bought me that Coke to tide me over. It’s sooo not in his character but he logically thought one stimulant for another. I held onto that Coke over 5 days. I have restraint now. I also told him that as kind as it was, that’ll be the last Coke. He just hates to see me suffer. 

     My addy script is Monday. Got a couple vyvanse from a neighbor and just found some adderall to get me through the weekend.

I read this article because 

#1 it pertains to mental health

#2 it’s a vice column & I dig that mental health and addiction aren’t hidden under a rock.

Via the @VICE iPhone App
http://www.vice.com/read/how-to-talk-about-mental-health-in-2016?source=vice_iphone_app

The VICE Guide to Making 2016 Better Than 2015: How We Should Talk About Mental Health in 2016

Another day of bunk coke

Well not an entire day. Just did the last of a gram that we got days upon days ago. 

That really shows me I have restraint now. With Mateo we would’ve done the bag in hours.

Changing my doctor-have an intake Thursday. Had to stay within the county’s mental health system(cos we moved) and that way I can stay on my adderall due to it already being in my record. 

Not going back to Paxil or any ssri cos after I stopped last year I realized about 6 months is very hazy. But now I’m terrified of everything and maybe that’s what the Paxil helped. So I’m opting for an snri because I HAVE to go back to work. Disability says I’m ok to work. My doc says no or start with a part time.

I haven’t cut myself in months but was sooooo contemplating it. Didn’t do it though.

Any suggestions would be helpful. Any outlets too. Thanks

Growing weary

So I’m out of addys as usual. My bf bought me a little bit of powder to combat my narcolepsy. 

I shock myself that a gram has lasted so many days. Part of me wants to say fuk it and do it all, the other part doesn’t want to sleep in until my refill on Friday.

Super stressed and sleeping awful. I only do a couple bumps in the morning, so I’m not sure why my sleep is so disruptive. I’m thinking it’s the stress of the bills and all. My bf gets benefits for va disability. He’s given lithium for his mood personality disorder. As a person who used to take lithium, I know you can’t harbor on much. He’s as horrible as me with money. And we don’t even spend it on insane amounts of drugs. Just a late Christmas for the families. You can’t really stop a person from spending their money. Even if I’m the reminder of bills and such. He forgets as soon as I say it. I love him but that aspect gets me all frazzled. 

Cos on Friday is my adderall refill. Since we are almost broke like every month, I supplement my income by selling my meds to folks who do addys for shits and giggles. Then at months end I am hating life. He gets mad I sell my addys but what else am I going to do? Get a job? The thought puts me in panic mode then depression. First because of my felony 13 years ago-nothing prior, nothing since. You’d think it was murder, the way I’m treated and not hired. Then the jobs available to me, well who am I kidding? There aren’t any. I even did a whole class on reentering the workforce as a felon. I’m bonded 10,000$ for the first three months. You’d think employers would jump on a new employee who is bonded by the state. Nope. Then I also have the fear since I’m bonded that someone will take advantage and say I stole just to collect money.

I’ve exhausted my only possibility with my mom. She’s 74 and I have always hated asking for help cos it’s an argument. Doctors have told her about both the narcolepsy and schizophrenia. She refutes it and says her lord will help if I pray. 

I don’t bother with that anymore, it’s like throwing pennies in a well for a wish.

So I sit here on job boards seeking ways for people to call me in for an interview to just be turned away. No there is NO expungement of felonies in North Carolina. The last pardon was in 2001, and being I’m not all chummy with the governor I doubt that’ll happen.

His family knows he suffers from post combat PTSD but treat him as he’s ok. Out of sight out of mind. If he asks his folks, they tell him every excuse under the sun. No, he’s not an addict like me or Mateo are/were. He smokes weed but nothing else. The Coke was a surprise that maddened me but was nice. I have yet to do any Coke in this state worth any penny they charge. Maybe it’s cos I was spoiled with it in Miami. I can’t comprehend how you can still eat or sleep on cocaine. It’s because it’s bunk. Not worth it. 

It was nice esp for a person who doesn’t do it. Lithium not only dulls the edges it makes the impossible to see. My big concern with us is our lack of money management. I hate to have to hustle one way or another on a daily basis starting the 5th of the month. Cos we are broke by then. I wanna cry but I can see how he hates himself over it also. The only difference is the thought of hatred is forgotten within the day. 

Since moving, I had yet to change my doc in fear of loosing my adderall. They’ve had me on the same dosage for five fukn years. Also took me from 90 to 60 clonopin because the rule at public mental health is no stimulants and benzos. I tried to say I should be grandfathered in by now but no. The rule is new and they don’t care if I pass out from panic attacks. I feel like I need to go to a looney bin. But then there goes all my meds and gives my ex husband reason not to give me my son back.

Doubt I’ll make it to 40.

Feeling the love

Wowsers, I hadn’t been on here or the email associated with this account. It’s hard to move on from loss. Especially when he brought me heartache while alive.

i will be playing catch up with my blog, slowly but steady. Paxil free over a year. Still struggling with mental health dept to modify my meds. Have been on the same dosage for five years with only modification to a mood stabilizer addition.

I’d like to continue my outlet as a place that I can heal from my loss, without hurting my boyfriend by talking about my Mateo. My bf knew of the physical threats and abuse by Mateo and doesn’t understand why I would mourn him. He also knows that it is obvious Mateo had part of my heart that he so desires to fill. I don’t know if that can ever happen.

thank you for your continued support even while away. I’d like to focus upon educating folks about mental health and addiction. Make a dent in the stigma that shames us.

I hope you can help me share this message. One person at a time. 2016 will be worth it to me!

closure?!?

well at least about mateo. hes dead. hes not going to visit from afterlife if there is one. 

im hurting the only man who truly loves and would physically do whatever i need to thrive. hes got war demons too, but he takes his VA meds and drinks very occassionally. weve been together over a year. he has never wronged me nor given up on me when all others did.

i do truly love my bf. my heart overflows for him. i was just holding on to mateo cos of what we shared. magikal passion, outings, lots and lots of heroin, coke, and crack. maybe i miss the drugs and having skmeone paying for them and doing them without that judgement. 

but he did bad things to me. i wont speak ill of the dead, but he didnt always have me on a pedestal. like my beloved does.

i read ppl with ptsd subconsciously seek out abusive/toxic relationships cos we dont think we deserve better. im always waiting for my bf to blow up or go off on me when he never has. never hurt me. but the what if of soooo many years in physical/mentally abusive relationships, its something i have to eventually let go. i cant loose this man. he is truly a gift. my mourning for mateo seems to have up and vanished after talking to his mom. i told my bf that i wanted to find out where hes buried. due to government treating or vets like shit, they even fuk over the ones who pass. his mom HAS to wait til april for arlington. holding on to his sons ashes. poor woman. but my bf said in april we can go. i said no! i cant take a trip for mateo, but he responded he had brothers in arms buried there too, so it would be good for both of us.

how many men are like “sure, lets visit the cemetary of a man who abused you”? 

but before my bf asked if mateo was the love of my life. bewildered and dumbfounded i was. had he read my blog? i shutter to think. because the only true deserving man, of my heart and soul is& will forever be my nathan.

ill always miss & cherish mateo for our good times, but when it becomes too much, ill force myself to remember the blessing i have & wont disregard or take for granted.

just want help…

…but i cant go lock myself in a crazy house. not because im not crazy. im a cutter for over 25 years. not to die, not for attention cos those scars are mine & hidden. not because ill cut myself there. its i have polyovarian cystic syndrome. and one of the main elements is excess testosterone so i get hair on my chin and lil splotches on my cheeks and neck(only lil splotches after 5 laser treatments)

true i can become super embarassed sharing the story but more so when someone will be made to watch i dont use the razor to cut myself. that is the most embarassing thing next to the incestual rape. ive always had a big chest and curves due to my latina ethnicity but still id be rich by the amount of assholes who just stare(cos concealer makes it look way more obvious)or the blatant fuks who ask if im a guy or girl.

so with that you think i want to add more trauma to this excessive trauma already. fuk the system. im just an addict to them. fuk them for putting me on meds that one gains tolerance easily and not changing my dose in 6 years. fuk this

i want death so much i already feel solace in the blackness. but im not being my childrens reason for being fukd up forever. the cycle would continue.

fuk it

catch up…

i was blindsided by my sons dad, after telling me I couldn’t see my son cos of HIS weekend plans. then friday, he retracted that(probably realizing he cant get stupid plastered with a 6 year old, without our son narcing to me, & gave me my son for the entire weekend.

blessing right? its halloween weekend. yes, a blessing but way overwhelming. from seeing my son for a few hours on a Sunday to three days. 

guess i like bitching. no, im mentally ill. i loathe that this whole weekend ive woken up in panic at a way too early hour for three days. took my lasy vyvanse (which was already a 1/2 capsule from yesterday)a few moments ago, coffee in hand while i chainsmoke. 

my bf last night made our halloween awesome fun. no stressors or horrid rushing that i had grown accustomed to, by my sons dad. EVERYTHING was drama and ALWAYS my fault with my ex. mental health was just me making shit up to snap out of.

until i told him about how i was incestually raped. after that our marriage was over. we both knew we couldn’t live with that. that was mine to keep in a shell away from anyone. esp him. though we held on to “marriage” for an additional 6 years after that. 

did i mention how many suicide attempts in those six years? did i mention that six years i was belittled and tossed aside by the man who once “loved” me. did I mention his father believed mental illness was also made up? did i mention that my ex was/is transgender? hes called a flopper. which goes back/forth from male to all out girl then back to male wheb realizing they cant come out as a girl? did i mention my support for him when he was happiest as a girl? but my rape was his cross? 

nah, he already has crosses, i just thought i could share mine. 

my bf father phoned him stating that his gf had a heart attack and would love our support 4 hours plus from here? i realized I couldn’t go without meds. shit my bf can’t afford it. but i told him to go cos now he can actually be alone with his dad to ask for money we horribly need. then, the reality set in, he had intended it all along solo. who will watch our cat? im not letting anyone in this house. id be cleaned out of every med on hand. (muscle relaxers and some pain killers ive kept for bad days, which i wont just travel with baggies of marked meds-some scripted, most not-to me)plus my journals. yea fuk that.

also fuk ny bf. he knows i cant be alone without meds. well he knows or possibly forgot, being he suffers post combat ptsd. two loonies trying to live all normal. i remind him of his meds twice daily or he will forget. meanwhile i forget mine EVERY day. our hours arent the same for meds, or id take mine also. 

im fukn terrified. i dont know what to do. yes, these three days ive awoken on my own at the buttcrack but immediately followed by a vyvanse. none left. even if my doc hooked me up with my script early tomorrow what about the cat? 

our neighbors happen to be my bfs best friend growing up.all their kids are doped up by docs. the 13 yr old just got upped to 100mg vyvanse. the girl can’t weigh 100 pounds. i shared my concerns but all they see is a chick who asks for some pills. ive been having to calculate capsules in halves trying not to spill just to take one two times a day. ive explained time and again why my pills dont make the entire month. (everyone loves recreational use of adderall or vyvanse-easy money for the unemployed) but also big mistake come months end.) im just a junkie to them. no, i actually NEED them everyday. if i dont have them withdrawal from amphetamine is not fun. but thats just me being a good ol junkie. fukrs, im nearly 40, not my first rodeo but how do i explain to my bf we cant smoke ciggys or eat cos i need my pills more. every month the argument of dont sell them, yet hes got buyers in line by the time i bring my script home.

im stuck out in the middle of nowhere and he wants to leave me here. unmedicated and no car. how selfish of me right?

im imploring my neighbor for help but shes dead set that soc knows best for her kids. fine, i get it. but doc also says weekend free of pills (basically putting a kid through withdrawal on weekends) so that leaves 16 pills that arent needed but she can give me 2? i know she needn’t give me any. my fault not hers. but as much as i reach out-its a junkie talking to her.

i dont know what to do. im just not good to be alone yet. but when will i? my bf has amazing capability of out of sight out of mind. its part of his coping but that includes me. once hes with his dad or anyone, until i call im nonexistent.

i told my bf about my letter to mateo abs and i need to burn it. he agreed and is understanding of mateo to a point. 

im not ready to be alone. i dont have ppl excepta few guys just waiting for my call to jump my bones if i leave my bf. but i dont leave him. but they also have access to harder better drugs than pharmaceutical.

the article i attached is not by me but what i say daily for years. i know others feel this too.

wish me luck please. 

http://www.youmatter.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/my-mental-illness-does-not-define-me/