dubbed unforgiven

that dumb pill….

I’d like to thank Prozac for ruining any decision making from here on out…

I will never see myself the same way again. so disappointed this is my life…

no self harm or suicidal racing thoughts have calmed…It was scary…still freaking is…

call it early midlife crisis, ssri withdrawal, idc…I came to terms that my will was broken but not destroyed…I’m not happy about the damn ssri, but I will take it if it’s beyond my control. it was, still kinda is, but I had no control due to giving up…

mostly im disappointed with myself that I allowed myself to torture myself from discontinued ssri…I can take every other day if needed. just knowing it’s even going to leave my system I’m unhappy. I hadn’t set my mind to much in a long time(in sense of me). like I was proud I was actively doing something. even through the drowning in my lungs, screams that make no sound & tears no longer seem possible.

anyone who reads this and is on ssri please talk to your doctor, outweigh risks vs benefit. if you’re in an ok place and think you can ask your doc to taper…DO NOT QUIT COLD TURKEY!!!
I have done a lot more substances that I am not ashamed but not super proud of. quit and walked away with maybe a day or two of dope sickness. yea, that sucks too, but not as bad as this withdrawal.

yea I have wasted nearly two months suffering. it wasn’t from pride, come the fuck on, it was torturing or punishing myself. best fukn self harm without mutilation physically EVER. I felt and feel like my insides is a towel that is being wrung dry. I absolutely outdid myself.

at least, that is what I have made up in my mind. my world crumbled around me and I stood, watched, and helped destroy.

dammit I am a good person and good friend. I once prided myself in loyalty. to friends, family. the ones I had feelings for. the lying, well, damn I started hella young, couldn’t admit anything was wrong , wouldn’t shame my family. let alone embarrass myself. it was a cop out, yes, I had reason cos I believed myself. I had soooo many years searching, hoping, longing to fit in. all the crap to make this person accept me. bending over backwards years upon years, trying to please and go above and beyond for people to just want to be my friend. I guess there’s no good reason (the reason that’ll help me sleep) from today forward if I meet a person I’m not going to just open myself up to be hurt and used. I disgust myself.
but I’ve done that forever. my audible hallucination was the biggest cunt always ranking on me for one thing or another. two against zero. I thought I missed her. I just am scared of being alone with my thoughts..I gotta try something different.
this is pretty dang close to bottom. I’ve lied to the man I love and lied to the one who loves me. unfortunately they are two different guys. I’ve tried to get hard drugs online with ads on Craigslist. May as well walked the damn streets. lost control of my kids and had not even tried to better myself to get them back. I have no respect for myself and that is sad and scary.
I’m still batshit crazy but it’s slightly clearer.
this online journal has been my refuge. writing the above paragraphs is way beyond years of therapy. although anonymous as anna molly is, am hellacious enough to have shared this with one solitary man.
Willing to show you my world, maybe show you why I’m this mess. but at the end of the page, when I hit publish, it’s not going to make what led to now any different. won’t take back my actions or his words. if it’s meant then it’s gonna happen. I truly believe this cos I’ve never felt this ever. if it’s not meant, then I will say thank you so much for bringing out love in me. thank you for believing. even in moments were brutal truths felt like knives. I’ve learned so much about me through him. shout out slim.
I’ve got a bunch of crap to even start getting back on my feet.

that dumb pill, huh?