I’d prefer if the hauntings were real and not in my head. As much as I tried when I left, I couldn’t get him out of my mind. He would email me (or vice versa) when he was fed up with his gf. I wouldn’t leave my bf for him, as much as I wanted to. I couldn’t allow myself to be in love with a man, whose demons of PTSD took over. The most you’ll get out of me are tears or self harm when I’m struck by my adolescence. He would take my keys so I couldn’t leave. He bruised my arms trying to get me to stay. I did. Every time but the last. Sadly it was because my son was present when he came at me choking me. The commotion woke my son and he came in to check and that moment is really blurred. I think I was gonna pass out but the minute I felt his hands let a lil loose I jumped off the bed, scooped up my 70 pd son (like he weighed nothing) put him under my arm and ran out of the house. He burned all my belongings.
Yes this is the man I miss. Could it be my PTSD just gravitates me to bad people. I saw past it because I knew the real him. The smart, funny, cute, & a great listener. The listening part bit me in the ass cos anything I said was potentially used against me.
I once asked him, on lsd, what were the most vivid monsters in his head. His response haunts me also. It was during a transport they were attacked. The third hummer in the convoy was blown up. When they finally fought off the enemy, he had to clean up, which meant find bodies. His mind flipped when he found a brother in arms, from the explosion disemboweled. He focused all his energy making sure blown up bits got to their rightful owner. His officer stopped him when he was trying to get a mans intestines back into his body.
I would say that’s enough to make a person who grew up sheltered, askew. He graduated high school in June of 2001. Sept.11 happened and two days later he was signing his entry papers to be a marine.
I miss this man so much. It’s only been 4 months since he died. I hadn’t seen him in months but got an email that was out of the norm for him, the week before he died. Telling me he didn’t care if I was with my bf, that he wanted to see me regardless. What was out of character was he was explicitly raunchy. I didn’t know how to answer him. All these feelings flooded back. The email I was writing in response still sits as a draft waiting to go off into his inbox that he will never see.
I always knew with Mateo that if I needed him to take me in, he would. I don’t have family due to being the black sheep cos I have ugly dirt against the “normal” brother. I haven’t had a real friend since I moved over 14 years ago to this state. It’s always friends of my bfs. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I’m gonna be 40 and I have no one I can truly share my feelings with. I reached out to an old “friend” after seeing her at a New Years party. She was wanting to hang out and play catch up. I reached out saying I had stuff on my chest I needed to get out. Stuff I couldn’t share with my bf. She read my message, never responded.
That’s what makes me believe that a lot of people who commit suicide aren’t this big surprise. I can’t be the only one to reach out. Reach out for a friend and be negated. At the lake house I talked with a girl about it being mateos death anniversary and that I don’t normally talk about it in front of my bf but really needed to. She seemed genuinely interested at first. I got the anniversary part out and was gonna continue. Holding back tears I watched each word so that I wouldn’t say something like I’m still in love with him, even tho he’s dead. Just in case she wanted to report back to my bf. Something interrupted us and I kinda wanted to gear if she was listening. So I sat there for a moment waiting for her to say-go on or something. She’s like what were we talking about? I looked around kinda dumb and said I’m not too sure. She said well it must not be important if we both forgot. Then she excused herself from the table, leaving me alone.
Granted these are kids younger than me. But at 27 you really should have empathy, sympathy, anything. I don’t believe anyone takes me seriously. I know if I left my bf, all these friends would cast me aside too.
Leaving me with nothing. My kids are still away and until I’m bringing in some money, whether disability or through a job, they have to stay where they are at. I don’t see a reason to keep on going. No family no friends, just my bf and I. I just want something I can never have.
kill pill diaries 