sick to my stomach. im consumed by only thoughts of mateo and trying to lead a double life that i am fine and alls well.
i have always idolized suicide. not realizing how scared i am to die. i just want all this to stop.
shout out to any and all who have visited my page, became followers.
validates I’m not this idiot I think I am…or you’re saying dance puppet dance.
as for my story, that’s a weight to bear and many apologies that you stop after this post.
not rude, this is my last place for help. total strangers read but I don’t have to look them in the eye, eventually….
I don’t want to feel that but right now, I do. I recommend one highly for you and anyone who need more room than the whisper app…
that dumb pill….
I’d like to thank Prozac for ruining any decision making from here on out…
I will never see myself the same way again. so disappointed this is my life…
no self harm or suicidal racing thoughts have calmed…It was scary…still freaking is…
call it early midlife crisis, ssri withdrawal, idc…I came to terms that my will was broken but not destroyed…I’m not happy about the damn ssri, but I will take it if it’s beyond my control. it was, still kinda is, but I had no control due to giving up…
mostly im disappointed with myself that I allowed myself to torture myself from discontinued ssri…I can take every other day if needed. just knowing it’s even going to leave my system I’m unhappy. I hadn’t set my mind to much in a long time(in sense of me). like I was proud I was actively doing something. even through the drowning in my lungs, screams that make no sound & tears no longer seem possible.
anyone who reads this and is on ssri please talk to your doctor, outweigh risks vs benefit. if you’re in an ok place and think you can ask your doc to taper…DO NOT QUIT COLD TURKEY!!!
I have done a lot more substances that I am not ashamed but not super proud of. quit and walked away with maybe a day or two of dope sickness. yea, that sucks too, but not as bad as this withdrawal.
yea I have wasted nearly two months suffering. it wasn’t from pride, come the fuck on, it was torturing or punishing myself. best fukn self harm without mutilation physically EVER. I felt and feel like my insides is a towel that is being wrung dry. I absolutely outdid myself.
at least, that is what I have made up in my mind. my world crumbled around me and I stood, watched, and helped destroy.
dammit I am a good person and good friend. I once prided myself in loyalty. to friends, family. the ones I had feelings for. the lying, well, damn I started hella young, couldn’t admit anything was wrong , wouldn’t shame my family. let alone embarrass myself. it was a cop out, yes, I had reason cos I believed myself. I had soooo many years searching, hoping, longing to fit in. all the crap to make this person accept me. bending over backwards years upon years, trying to please and go above and beyond for people to just want to be my friend. I guess there’s no good reason (the reason that’ll help me sleep) from today forward if I meet a person I’m not going to just open myself up to be hurt and used. I disgust myself.
but I’ve done that forever. my audible hallucination was the biggest cunt always ranking on me for one thing or another. two against zero. I thought I missed her. I just am scared of being alone with my thoughts..I gotta try something different.
this is pretty dang close to bottom. I’ve lied to the man I love and lied to the one who loves me. unfortunately they are two different guys. I’ve tried to get hard drugs online with ads on Craigslist. May as well walked the damn streets. lost control of my kids and had not even tried to better myself to get them back. I have no respect for myself and that is sad and scary.
I’m still batshit crazy but it’s slightly clearer.
this online journal has been my refuge. writing the above paragraphs is way beyond years of therapy. although anonymous as anna molly is, am hellacious enough to have shared this with one solitary man.
Willing to show you my world, maybe show you why I’m this mess. but at the end of the page, when I hit publish, it’s not going to make what led to now any different. won’t take back my actions or his words. if it’s meant then it’s gonna happen. I truly believe this cos I’ve never felt this ever. if it’s not meant, then I will say thank you so much for bringing out love in me. thank you for believing. even in moments were brutal truths felt like knives. I’ve learned so much about me through him. shout out slim.
I’ve got a bunch of crap to even start getting back on my feet.
that dumb pill, huh?
not sure how to feel..still quite depressed and now I am medicated.
have the option of picking up Prozac (that leaves your system asap) but decided otherwise.
I’m an emotional roller coaster of waves of anger and sadness. mourning the loss of the only one who was always around(my audible hallucination)…
that’s kinda hard to handle. tho, I said that this online journal of my world of mental illness would be my last out. there would be nothing more that I could do to help myself.
I really dunno what you guys find interesting enough to follow, let alone, like and comment on my page. it’s this relief that I can say what I really need and want to say without restrictions or personal judgement. tho, if you don’t dig me, your loss cos I’m awesome. just messing around.
my day has been ages driving around to appointment then the market in town that my mom loves to go to. back to the house where I’m lucky one of us has not been stabbed by me.
all in all I am sitting with my little book and ran across some ssri withdrawl sites that I had saved. hopefully I’ll motivate myself to get on the real desktop instead of my tellie to get things right and pretty.
found a crap ton of online witty sarcastic remarks that I will be sharing..tho this first one made me say dayum…
today is my nieces bday…the niece I’ve never met because she is my brothers kid and I can’t just cut off the rapist without the rest of the family
had a cracked tooth that just finally cracked flush with the gums…the tooth behind looks fabulous too. whatever.
i havent heard from someone I hold dearest. I get it he’s back to drinking cos of my toxicity. I’m the bad influence. he’s so great but has issues he drowns out with beer. hey I just don’t have much tolerance, or I’d be drinking too.
i want only greatness for him but also he can’t see me destroy myself and I can’t watch him do the same.
so my saddened heart will eat these 3 footballs. and a redds and sleep hopefully til tomorrow so I don’t feel anymore.
im lost yet enlightened.
having to reword shit to past tense but fuck it I felt sadness/embarrassment/but I also felt there’s a glimmer now.
i may call bullshit on me but my friend called to say our friendship was over. I had no clue. no clue he found the embarassing part…
I’m really jonesing so I put out an ad like a common street whore. I’ve done this before but always pussy out. no bullshit there
you know what else isn’t bullshit I always thought I had reason to be an addict. you’d be on some mad drugs too if u walked a mile. then again he opened my eyes a bit more.
he’s always good at teaching my ass things that you’d think after 25 years using on and off one person would be like hey you’re an addict suks shit happened but I defined myself by it.
I am starting to see that view. tho not overnight cos I’m staying on at least vyvanse, not addys.
staying clear off ssris cos I’m not gonna call bullshit on me anymore. I can have and achieve things not give up. cos I had. I am blessed by someone giving a real shit to call me out honestly instead of just letting me be the fuck up.
I won’t say today nor next month nor 6 months but I will stop my pharms too. I have been too busy hiding myself for no one to know the real me. wasted so much life cos I’m not worth it. fuck that. dead brother took too much from me already. not taking my life too…
I’m beside myself. I’m an addict. I absolutely am. hopefully the “but”part will secede with weaning, I’d like to think by summers end I won’t be slave to my ptsd or anything. I owe my life to this man on more than one occasion. I want to make him proud of me but I think it’s time I’m proud of me…
I had nothing can stop me now when I left my exhusband. ode to trent and as a motivation. guess I should’ve used brighter colors…cos it hadn’t worked just words… now I remember why I got it and it’s truth
goodness this was when there was a glimmer. I won’t give up on me. there’s gotta be a way
kill pill diaries 